Why Do People Get Married?

Image courtesy: www.img.moonbuggy.org

(Disclaimer: Through this post, I am trying to stimulate my mind to explore the unexplored. There is every possibility that a sane mind will find this crass. Please proceed at your own discretion.)

One question that has been intriguing me of late is - Why do people get married?

Listed below are some reasons I thought why? And following each of those points is my take on it - in red.

 1. To 'officially' have somebody whom you can share everything with.. happiness, sorrow, grief, success, failures.. money.. even your body for that matter.

 It's natural to be wanting to share these abstract feelings and materialistic objects with a fellow homosapien. But why would you want to 'marry' someone for your entire life to do that. For example, if it's money, you can share it with so many needy people around.. the poor, the destitute, there are forgotten people around us who may just die if YOU don't give them. Nothing can beat the satisfaction you would get by sharing with them.

 2. You need a reason to live - have your own kids - who will go on to become your definition for progress in life. You probably want them to do and achieve things you wanted in your life but somehow couldn't.

 It's fine to be wanting so. But are you sure you don't have a greater reason in life? Examples - Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Narendra Modi, Anna Hazare, Ratan Tata, Mother Teresa.. the list goes on. These people had a greater reason and they expended their lives towards it. 

Disclaimer: I don't claim that having kids/family is 'necessarily' an impediment to doing great things with your life.

 3. You want to reproduce and make sure that there is a descendant who will take your blood line forward.

 This is the most weird reason. Why would you want to give birth to living beings just to ensure that you can call yourself responsible for bringing two more people into this world with the same surname as yours. And then again, within that some people give birth to a few more till they get kids with the gender of their choice.

 4. Sex (At least for men who were starved of it before marriage). For guys who have already had enough of it, they may want to get married to the most beautiful of all women, somebody who would go on to become the envy of his friend circle.

You can get the best of 'it', as long as you have good money to spend on 'it'. And it's no rocket science that a single guy will always have more money in his bank account compared to his peer who is married.

 5. To avoid loneliness. You don't want to come home after a tiring day's work to see an empty house, to switch on the lights yourself, to have nobody serve you food, to have dinner alone.

Depends on how you perceive it. As May Sarton said,"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is richness of self." There is no companion as companionable as solitude. And nothing beats the freedom that comes along with it.

 6. For guys - You want somebody who can make your life an organized bit. Somebody who would cook timely good food for you, somebody who will ensure that your kitchen sink is not stinking of unwashed utensils all the time, will keep your house clean, will ensure that you always have washed clothes to wear to office.

If you have enough money, you can have a maid do this for you; avoids the liabilities that comes along with having a wife. As one of my friends once said, if you need milk, you buy milk, you don't get home a cow.

 7. Financial security (At least for women without it before marriage). For the ones who already have it, they want to get married to an even richer guy who has a fat enough pocket to satisfy her greater material desires and somebody they can proudly parade in their friend circle for the rest of their lives.

It's fine to be wanting so, if you are sure that you are not self-sufficient enough to satiate your material desires, and if scoring brownie points in your friend circle really gets you that amount of happiness.

 8. You don't want to be alone, feel forgotten and invisible in your old age. You hope to have some support in the form of your son(s)/daughter(s) who will take care of you in your old days.

You are being selfish here. You want to bring one more life to this world just so that he/she can give you care in your old days. If you have enough money, you can hire a home nurse who can do this much more professionally.

 9. It's a universal norm, an unwritten rule. Our parents did it. Everybody does it. You too did it/will do it. Never bothered to think of the converse.

Ignorance is bliss.

 10. You fell in love with somebody and every moment you spend with that person seems perfect bliss. You want to marry that person so that the entire rest of your life becomes 'blissful'.

Love is nothing but a dopamine acting on your brain. An Ephemeral Biological Trap. More often than not, the effect of this dopamine is very transient. The bliss part may start fading off after honeymoon.

The above argument leads me to the next question - Why should you stay single then? (Now, this is purely from a guy's perspective.)

1. Freedom. You are a free bird. You are not accountable to anybody on what you do, where you do, how you do, why you do.

2. You don't have a liability in the form of a wife. You don't have to part with your hard earned money to satiate her whims and fancies. Instead, you can use that time and money to indulge in your desires and ambitions. More importantly, mental peace.

3. Having kids is optional even after marriage. But then not marrying 'almost' negates the chance of having kids. And hence, you don't have to spend on their upbringing, education, health. Lot of savings in terms of money. Again, you can use this saved time and money to do things that you always wanted to. This also negates a lot of tension that you would otherwise have to live with inevitably, for most part of your married life - starting from cleaning your baby's poop to finding the right match for his/her marriage.

4. Staying clear of the risk of losing all your property and money in alimony in case of divorce. More so, since the laws now are highly skewed in the favor of the fairer sex.

5. If you really are curious about tasting life living one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex, you are free to try out this modern day innovation called - 'live-in relationships'. No strings attached. Unlike in a marriage, you are free to move on if things don't work out fine. No alimony asked.

6. No risk of you losing interest in your spouse and a subsequent divorce, once the love-dopamine effect fades off.

7. You have a lot of time and mind space to invest in things you like, compared to a peer who is married and has 2 kids.

Half of the adults (aged 18 or above) today in US believe that marriage is an obsolete idea. Again, only 51% of the total adult population in US is married today - an all-time low. I am citing US as an example here because more often than not, what happens there goes on to be replicated in other parts of the world. Not just in US, but marriage rates are at a record low across the globe today. It's a microcosm of the future that beckons us.

My 23rd Birthday

(Disclaimer: This post is a very personal view of the day - September 24, 2011 was to me. This may or may not be interesting to you, depending on your reading preferences and taste. Please proceed at your own discretion. If you read, please do leave your footprints in the form of comments. Thank you.)

It was the most sombre yet the most beautiful of all the birthdays I have had in the 23 years of my life. Being the reserved, secluded and introspective person that I am, my birthdays all throughout my life haven't been too eventful. The only thing that marked my birthdays has been distributing chocolates to friends and neighbours, and the happiness that comes along with it. That apart, there never really has been anything that made me long for September 24. I don't remember when was the last time I got a birthday present. But I did get one this birthday, from two lovely ladies in my office. Not that I long for gifts, but it just feels nice to know that somebody doesn't mind investing in you (apart from your parents). But this birthday was something very special. This birthday, I got the greatest gift of my life. A gift, that will change me forever. I won't call it a birthday gift, it is a lifetime gift. This special gift that happened to me this week, will change me forever - of that I am sure.

At the best, I would receive a couple of calls from friends who have this as one of their hobbies - calling up friends on their birthdays at sharp 12 AM. They would find the most innovative ways to remind themselves of their friends' birthday, and call each one of them without fail. I have been fortunate enough to have a couple of friends like that. This birthday, I didn't have anybody calling me up at 12 in the night, cuz I had kept my phone switched off throughout September 24, except for a few minutes during the day. Switching off the phone and staying disconnected from the world was a conscious decision. I wanted to celebrate this birthday with just me and myself, in my signature style. I wanted to be at peace with myself. It's been a while since I have been running, running from myself, running from friends, running from family, running from colleagues. For once, I wanted to be still and motionless.

I tried to artificially manipulate this day, tried making it the way I want it to be. I wanted it to be a very solitary affair, a day when I would be at peace with myself, when I would just lick and taste time as it passes by. A day when I would revisit the old memory lanes, and try and reflect back upon the year that it has been. A day when I remembered to just relax and stop trying to hold on to it. A day when I let time pass through me like rain drops finding its way through the curves and edges of leaves.

I didn't want anybody to wish me at 12 AM. That wish came true, courtesy my room partners. None of them remembered my birthday. It was 3:40 AM when I last checked the clock before I dozed off. The fact that I had switched off my phone killed the possibility of anybody outside my room wishing me birthday (LoL, as if there was somebody trying to call).

Woke up at 10 AM, courtesy my college-time room partner, who called up on my alternate number, so he was the first person to wish me my 23rd Happy Birthday (After the clock struck 12 Am). Unlike my innate characteristics of being unorganized, random and clumsy, I had planned for this day - September 24, 2011.

The day started late, at 10 AM. I had planned to get up and leave by 8 AM. But that was not to be, courtesy my late night adventures. Called up parents and my brother (didn't give them a chance to forget my birthday). Took a bath, and left for St. Patrick's Church on Brigade Road. Unlike everyday, today I was not running to catch up with time. Rather I was waiting for time to come upto me, hold me by hand and take me along. I sat at the bus stop, waiting for the first leg of my journey to commence. As usual, all the buses, except the one that goes to my destination, crawled past me. But today I was enjoying it. For some reason, I enjoyed being stationary at the bus stop and observing the world around me. Finally my bus arrived. As per my plan for the day, it was going to be a long travel-intensive day, I took a bus-pass - a pass that would let me travel unlimited across the city for the whole day.

My BMTC Day Pass - The figure inscribed in the circle being my age. The first place where I mentioned my age after turning 23.

30 minutes later, I reached Church. It's been a while, since I went to Church. Today I had all the more reasons to be thankful to my Lord almighty, for the great things he has done to me over the past one year. At Church, we were reading out these words from Bible - "Let peace be your only aim and quest". I was wondering then how peace has become a synonym for money today. I knelt down to offer my final prayer before leaving. Kneeling always gives me excruciating pain. Probably this has got something to do with the peculiar structure of my knee-cap. But this pain always turns sweet when I kneel down in Church.

After spending some time in Church, I set out to find an affordable restaurant for Lunch. Right outside the Church, I found Stars & Stripes. Saw some young couples hogging inside. Went in. Ordered Rice + Chicken Curry, and sugarcane juice - my first meal as a 23 year old.While I was having lunch, I switched on the phone to check time; I received a couple of birthday calls then - one from one of my senior colleagues; and one from my school-time friend. It always feels good when people remember special things and days associated with you. But what the heck, I switched it off again.

Next up, I started for HAL Layout- which is the place where I first stayed when I came to Bangalore about 13 months back. It was a Paying Guest (PG) accommodation, owned by a retired Mallu - undoubtedly one of the most well-maintained PGs I have stayed in. After a 40 minute journey from Brigade Road, I reached HAL. It had been a while since I last saw that area. More than 10 months, it's been since I moved out of that place. After getting down from the bus, I started walking into the road that leads to this PG. Memories in the form of vivid images started flashing across my eyes. The first set of images being - me running to catch buses at the bus stop. The images of me coming back to my PG, tired and worn out after getting rejected in interviews. Images of me coming back home with springing steps after clearing interviews. The mallu bakery where I used to have snacks, the Tamil eatery where I used to have dinner at just 16 rs./plate, the tailor who stitched my formal shirts after I landed a job with my current employer, the Canara Bank ATM from where I used to withdraw money, I couldn't have got drenched more in nostalgia.

What happened this week has changed the way I look at myself and the world around me. It has instilled in me a sense of confidence, maturity and a belief that I belong to this place. Walking around on the same old streets with this un-former sense of accomplishment was a beautifully pleasing and relishing experience. Those were the same streets where I used to walk dejected, doubting my very ability, fighting against myself, trying to seek answers, trying to fathom if some of the decisions I made in the past would come back to bite me in the long run.  What I have realized today is - it's easy to be good to people around you when things are going good for you. But it's difficult to be good to your friends, family, acquaintances, when you are going through bad times.

Walking on these streets after a year gave me goosebumps, made me feel like a warrior who has returned back home after reducing his enemies to zilch.

From HAL Layout, I then took a bus to Austin Town where I had spent a couple of weeks working for a small-time US firm, before joining my current employer. Sitting in bus, I was relishing everything around me - the school kid sitting next to me and talking to his girl friend on phone - asking her if she had food; the LIC guy sitting behind trying to persuade somebody over phone to buy his policy; a couple sitting right in front with their hands on each others' shoulders and heads leaning into each other; the huge trees on either side of the Old Airport Road, the traffic jams; the concrete giants standing tall. Time seemed to have stopped ticking for my happiness' sake.

Sitting in the bus, stuck in one of the omnipresent traffic jams of Bangalore, I was observing a family - a guy in his 20s with his parents who seemed to be in the 60s. The guy was wearing a very content and happy look, holding his parents' hands and holding it even more tighter while crossing the road. It seemed he has got his parents to Bangalore first time, for a leisure visit. It was pleasing to see how the guy was the Charge d'affaires there. He was guiding and educating his parents about all the things around, the very same way those parents would have explained life to him for years, while he was a kid. There were several things that I could relate to, with that family. The father in that family was wearing a retired, passive and content look. The father seemed to be happy and content about the fact that his son has made a place for himself, and he has grown into an adult who is explaining things to him which he (the father) has never seen in his life. My father too, has slowly over time faded into this demeanour - retired, passive and content with life. There was a time when he was aggressive, quick, smart and very strong. That has all faded with time.

I reached Austin Town. I was sad to discover that the office where I worked for a couple of weeks when I first came to Bangalore, doesn't exist there anymore. The only thing I could relate to, was the same old smell of the bakery on the ground floor.

From Austin Town, I started for Commercial Street in Shivajinagar. After about 45 minutes of switching buses, I reached Shivajinagar. Right in front of Shivajinagar bus stand, I saw this big Church, and coudln't resist the urge to go in. I went in; bought a couple of candles, lit them and offered flowers. Prayed for a few minutes, and contributed to the offertory.

After getting out of the Church, I spent an hour observing people and life at Commercial Street. I was fortunate enough to be standing right in front of a mosque when Azan was being called out at around 6:20 PM. This has always been something that spellbinds me every time I get to hear it. It has this incredibly pleasing effect on me. It was radiating a sense a peace into my brain - eased and loosened the nerves in my brain which had become painfully entangled over the past one year. I slowed down my steps and stood there for a while relishing every bit of it, staring at the aura of the tall Minarets. While the name of this place is Shivajinagar, this place seemed to have a very sizeable Muslim population. What was interesting was the sight of two mosques, a big Church and a temple all together at touching distance from each other.

Walking around the lanes and by-lanes of Commercial Street - was not to buy anything, not even to window shop. It was rather to experience the place and people. The only time I stepped into a showroom there was to use their loo.

The day whizzed past observing Bangalore and its people - some looked confused, some looked contemplative, some serious, some happy, some distraught, some in pain, some content, some aimless, some skeptical, some clueless. I also spent a lot of time overhearing others' (especially couples) conversation. It was interestingly funny. While walking on the footpath, I was trying to place my feet exactly in the squares on tiles.

At about 7:15 PM, I finally boarded a bus back to BTM Layout - the place where I am staying right now. While I was in the bus, I switched on the phone to check time. Awaiting me in my inbox were two SMSes.

The first one was from my boss, wishing me birthday. It's always a pretty feeling when somebody remembers your birthday, and can't get any better if it's your boss! What got me elated was this line in his SMS - "Am sure this one is special". Those words puffed my chest. I stretched my neck and looked into the dark sky from the bus window, with an eternal smile on my face.

The second SMS was an E-recharge notification. Somebody recharged my mobile for 250 bucks. This got my thinking buds stimulated. Did some poor guy recharge my no. by mistake? Is this somebody's birthday gift for me? If so, I must confess that person has a very weird taste for gifts. Is this somebody giving back the money they owe me? I still don't know.

As per my plan for the day, Aradhana Hotel cum Bar in BTM Layout, was the venue for the Grand Finale of my Birthday. The bar was brimming with people, and from the look of it, I wasn't too sure if I'll get a seat. But I did manage to grab a seat for myself in a corner. The moment you get into this bar, the loud cacophony and din in there is enough to turn off anybody, but owing to lack of better options and budget, I didn't really have a choice. As usual, there was this TV hanging at a corner, showing some cricket test match. Look around and you can see some people clapping in elation, some floating their hands all around in the air while talking, some sitting still like fixed fixtures. Welcoming me on the table were two Royal Stag mini bottles stuffed with salt and pepper. I ordered a plate of Chicken Lollypop and a Kingfisher strong. Today, I was so confident of being myself that I could see the beer blushing at my sight. After a while, once the beer effect started oozing into my brain nerves, the loud noise around me transformed into music. Once again, I reveled in the beauty of getting drunk. It's when you get drunk is when you can look into the other person's eyes and tell exactly what they are thinking. It's then that your ability to think gets amplified at least a couple dozen times. It's right then when you accept certain realities which you don't want to accept while you are sober. I feel bad for my friends who don't drink, for they would never know this feeling.

I ordered another Chicken Lollypop and Kingfisher Strong, this time parcel. Came back to my PG, and commenced the second round. Sitting on my bed, sipping beer, I felt this strong urge to document the day September 24, 2011 has been, and hence this post.

It was the best Birthday I ever had. A day of complete solitary self-indulgence. A day when I lived life in moments, moments rich with a formidable sense of accomplishment. Leads me to believe that the greatest pleasures in life aren't that costly after all. At least it wasn't on September 24, 2011.

Geeta Madam

I was in class 6 then. I had got into a new school that year, everything around me looked so alien. New classrooms, new classmates, new teachers, old benches riddled with rounders, if at all something looked familiar, it was my school bag and water bottle. At my previous school, we were told that this school has some of the worst brats in the town. Being the introvert, shy kid that I was then, I used to wonder how I would gel with these bad chaps. I hardly talked in class, used to stare at everything around me – people, walls, trees, blackboards… all alike.

Amongst all the silent discomfort of the initial days, there was this 30 minute period of oasis that I so earnestly used to wait for, every day - my English classes. Geeta Madam, my English teacher, she was this fairy to me; her presence had this divine soothing effect on me. It was then that I felt that standing up and speaking aloud in class is actually fun. There wasn’t a time during my school life when I felt so confident about being myself. What makes my heart ache to go back in time and relive those days isn’t the English lessons she taught me, it’s about the lessons of life that she taught me along the way. I remember, those were the days when I used to wish if I could go to school on Sundays as well, just to feel adorned in her presence. A year later she left the school. I lost a part of myself. I used to incessantly stare at her house that was visible from the school playground.

All these years, I just wished to let her know for once that, for me, she will always stay right up there... shining out bright amongst the rest., today and forever.

Will I Ever Get That Answer?

One day I started from home to go somewhere, somewhere where life would be beautiful, somewhere where I could touch and feel happiness. When I started from home for that place, the road was straight, there were no turns, lanes or sub-lanes. I kept walking, with dreams in my eyes. After a while I reached a point where this road diverged into two separate roads. I was confused which road to take. I had to decide. While one road was busy, abuzz with people and traffic, the other road looked calmer with lesser people. I didn't have a clue, but for the sake of making a decision I decided to take the road with lesser traffic. The only reason I could tell myself for this decision was to avoid the commotion of the other road. Being the indecisive creature that I am, I started walking, desperately trying to explain myself as to why I took this decision.
 

I am still walking on this road. The "somewhere" place which I had started for, doesn't look anywhere even remotely close to me. The deeper I walk into this road, the lonelier it feels. For a second I thought of going back to the crossroad and choosing the other road - the busy one. I turned back to do so, only to realize that the road I took is a one-way. It's all so confusing. This isn't what I had started for. I am forced to think that I made a wrong decision, but my heart won't let me believe that. Because the moment I believe that, I'll sink, I'll sink in my dreams and die.

This road leads to a deep dark tunnel. The deeper I get into this tunnel, the murkier it looks. The cold in here chills my bone. I want to rest, it pains a lot here. I don't feel like walking anymore. I want to be stagnant. Wish I could sleep in her arms in perpetuity, while she would gently stroke her tender fingers through my dry, unkempt hair.

I wish I had took the other road. That decision keeps haunting me. And I somehow feel, it will hurt me forever in this lifetime now. I never realized how much my life hinged on that decision. I hope someday I'll get the answer - if that was the right decision. For now, I'll wait for that day.

I have reached a point of no return now. Everything look's shattered. Is this really happening to me? Tell me it's a nightmare. This can't be real. I pinched myself, and I could feel the sting. This is real.

I'll walk, for I have no other option. I'll walk till I am over. My only comfort here is loneliness. It's my best mate. But it never talks to me, still it manages to convey a lot of things which words are incapable of. I am tired now, dead tired. How much I wish I didn't have the ability to think and the ability to feel pain. Life would have been so much more easier then.

That's Life..

New people stay new just for a while, after that they are just people. The same people who poke pins into your wounds at the least opportunity.  The same people you run away from. You start expecting, you start demanding, you start complaining, you start whining. You get tired of them; you run out of things to talk about; you start avoiding them. The more you know about these new people, the more reasons you have to forget them. These new people were better off being just new. The older they become, the greater you crave for newer people who can refresh your life. And one fine day, you bump into someone new. And then you forget the old ones. The cycle repeats itself. That’s life.

Or shall I say, "A good part of life?" or bad? is it? :-)

A Disappointing Saturday......

Time: 6:09 pm,sunday evening

Mood: Depressed and Contemplative

Wearing: red capry & light sky blue t-shirt

listening to: "when you are gone" by avril lavigne

well yea,,,,,so dis one's ma second blog,,,n m feeling lost,,,,,thankfully not cuz of love,memories,nostalgia or stuff lyk dat,,,,its cuz of ma studies n more importantly ma career (can u believe dat)

seems everything's going awry,,,,its a mixed feeling,,,a mixture of disappointment,,,despair,,,,apathy,,,frustration,,hopelessness,,,wot transpired on saturday changed the way i used to think bout maself n ma screwed up career....

we had this software company called SunShine Infosoft Pvt Ltd. coming to our college to hire slaves for them (n i wud have been glad to be subject to their slavery),,,,,d evening before that i.e. friday evening i bunked ma ims classes(i have joined ims to crack something called CAT) to go shopping for ma interview,,i was all excited to attend the first interview of ma lyf for a job,,,,bought a pair of black formal shoes (kanpoor ka joota as dey call it) ,,,an elegant tie,,,a file to hold the certificates which i have amassed all through the 20 years of ma lyf,,,,,washed ma only formal black trousers n dat ultra white shirt,,,,washed dose stinky socks,,,,,,handkerchief,,,,so there was i all ready to impress the interviewers.

woke up at 7:30 (courtsey ma roomie)......pressed d clothes which i had washed d other night,,,,brushed,,attended natural calls,,,,dressed up lyk neva before,,,,,left for the bus stop,,,,reached college,,,,,,there was a sense of solemness amongst ma bachmates today,,,,we were asked to be seated in lab-2,,,,n den we were asked to submit our resumes & thereafter anand sir briefed us on some points n wished us luck and asked us to proceed to the seminar hall,,,,i was amongst the last one to enter the hall from ma batch but luckily there were quite a few empty chairs n i managed to grab one right under the fan,,,,five minutes down the line two smartly dressed up gentlemen came n sat before us,,n they started professing bout the greatness of their company and also briefed us bout the modalities of the whole selection process,,,juz two minutes in2 d scene n i was terribly bored of their bla blaa,,,,ma roomie was sitting next to me & he was looking terribly depressed,,,,just as i was guessing the reason for that sombre look on his face he said dat he came up all dressed up gracefully for dis big day but he juz got this sound feeling sneeking into this mind that he may not be even eligible for the campus interview cuz he had earned a back in a programming subject in 4th sem,,,n it was one of the prerequisites stated by the company that candidates should not have a back in programming subjects,,,,n he feared dat d two guys addressing us on the podium can announce dis thing any second all his dreams may be shattered....i dunno y but i juz forgot to heal his mood wid some consoling words amidst d excitement n anxiousness dat came from the thought that m gonna attend d first interview of ma life,,,,(does dat mean m self-centred n selfish?),,,,,but thankfully by god's providence they dint announce anything which we dint want them to announce and we were all eligible for the test,,,,so we were asked to move to room no. 203 where we were provided with a performa,,,once it was filled up,,,the question papers were given for the 60 minute written exam(we had d written part first and then the interview for the lucky few who manage to clear the written part)

so the question paper was in ma hand,,,,,i skimmed through d whole paper in 30 seconds,,,n i knew i had to leave within five minutes!!!!!!,,,cuz i dint had a perfect answer to even a single question out of the 20 questions and i knew i had no business to conduct sitting there for d next 60 minutes,,,,i was too optimistic to expect the questions to be aptitude and quant based but it dint turn out to be so,,,it was all based on pure programming concepts(m the worst creature on this planet when it comes to programming skills,,,,n if by god's grace i manage to pass out as an engineer i will deserve a place in guiness book for being the first computer engineer who doesn't even know to develop a program to print "hello",,,well for some of you who doesn't know lemme tell u " a program to print 'hello'" is the most fundamental basic thing dat a computer engineer must be knowing and if one doesn't kno it he/she deserves to be hanged upside down on eiffel tower,,,,i looked at ma coleagues n everybody was looking into their answer sheets completely engrossed in filling up their sheets,,,i dunno y but i was feeling so funny den,,,,i dint get this feeling dat am being incredibly cruel to ma career,,,,,so four minutes in2 d exam and i was on ma legs,ready to walk out of the classroom,,,,,

i knew i had absolutely no chances of making it to the second round,,,,,i tried to get an application signed for a leave for the rest of d day but that was denied,,,,,so dat meant i had to torture maself till 3:30 watching other guys discuss bout the paper n fancy their chances,,,

it seemed as if the clock stopped ticking,,,,,,somehow d clock struck 3:30,,,the list of short listed candidates had not been put up even now,,,,there were some romours doing the round that the list mite be put up in 5-10 minutes,,,i wished 2 witness dat scene when some 150 odd students wud be barging into each other to see their names in the list,,,,luckily i managed to evade that privilege,,,thanxx to ma abysmal programming skills,,,,,but i prefered to leave n get a seat reserved for maself in the bus (i have hired college bus for coming to college cuz our college is a 17 odd kms away frm city) rather n waiting to witness dat scene and end up standing in the bus without a seat,,,,i got a seat in the bus n though i dint have the slimmest of hopes of me making it to the next round i felt lyk calling up ma roomie n ask if or not his name's in the list,,,,,,i called him up but he was busy n put down the phone saying he will gimme a call back in a minute,,,,he called back in no time,,,,n the first thing he told me was "list lag gayi hai aur tera naam nai hai"(as if i was damn sure dat ma name will be printed in font size 32 in that list),,,widout wasting much tym i asked him in a riposte "tera kya hua" and there came a proud voice from the other end "haan mera naam hai" ,,,,,.i congratulated him n wished him best of luck for the other part of the interview,,,,,

sitting in the bus in the driver's cabin for the next 20 odd minutes i was thinking bout his chances of clearing the personal interview,,,,n i seriously felt hez gonna make it,,,,,cuz hez got a gentleman's attitude,,,,perfect etiquettes,,,,and above all great communication skills,,,,,as i was absorbed in these thoughts, a voice came from ma side "kya suneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel itni saari taiyaari karke aaya tha tu aur pehle round me 5 minute me hi uth ke chala gaya" hmmmmmm.......dat was nastyy,,,,i dint reply him,,,,francly speaking i went numb,,,dint had d guts to reply him,,,,and there began a sombre retrospection

i reached ma room at 4 pm,,,,laying on ma bed i was thinking how important these hours are for keyur (datz d name of ma roomie,,,dun try to pronounce it,,u will neva get it rite),,its d very moment for which he has been studying for the past 15 years,,,,dese are those moments which every engineering student wishes to live n live it to remember n cherish forever,,,,,,before leaving for ma ims classes at 5:15 pm i thought of calling up keyur,,,,but den i thought i shudn't disturb him,,,cuz he mite be sitting in d interview chamber n it wud have been real awkward if his cell ringed up rite den while facing the interviewers,,,,,

i went to ims and nearly had a brawl with d receptionist there,,,cuz she dint gimme practice sheets saying i had been given those earlier,,,,it was a maths class and as usual i had a horrible 2 hours,,,,i saw numbers and mathematical symbols flying all around me,,,,,students around me were screaming answers wid pride whereas i was all lost n kept looking around hopelessly,,,,,i felt as if am standing still in the midst of the world's busiest road and vehicles r speeding past me at 90 miles per hour,,,,,,,in no time sweat started trickling down from ma forehead (though it was an airconditioned room)

the torture session ended in 2 hrs n the moment i got out of the classroom i started calling keyur wid immense curiosity,,but an aunty from the other end said that his cell is out reach,,,i kept calling him for the next 2-3 hours,,,but in vein,,,,,,,,,

it was 9 pm now,,,,,n it was not getting easy anymore to stand the suspense,,,,,n den ma phone ringed up,,,i looked in2 d screen n it said "disciplined man calling"(dats d name i have used to save his number in ma cell)

i pressed d green button,,,n shot ma first words,,,"kya huaaaaaaaaa?????"

and d reply from the other end sounded something lyk dis

"Am Through"

Godddddddddddddddd.........dint he sound graceful,,,,,,,,,

i screamed out of joy,,,,,afterall not everybody gets the privilege to be the roomie of a guy whoz placed in third year,,,,,,n mind you,,hez one of the lucky 13 who were selected from a total of 240 eligible candidates,,,,,

i felt lyk giving him an eternal hug on d phone itself,,,,,,,

it took me some 20 odd minutes to come out of dis reverie,,,,,,,

n there he came,,,running with all his might,,,,,n he was gasping as if he has been running for the past 20 years,,,,,and we barged into each other to embrace each other,,,,such was the force that i almost repelled n tripped down hehe......

i cud literally touch n sense the joy in our room dat moment,,,,,,afterall dats d ultimate thing for which we budding engineers rub our noses for four years,,,,,,

at this moment i started thinking of how nervous he was dis morning in the seminar hall when he couldn't even fake a smile and was almost sure that he is not even eligible for the interview,,,,,and there again one of ma great proverbs stood vindicated i.e. "Things Happen To You When You Least Expect Them To Happen"

i asked him how does it feel to live dis moment,,,,and he replied dat words cant do justice to the cause of expressing of how he felt right then.

d joy slowly started sinking in,,,,,n i dunno why but i gradually started drifting into a depression,,,,,i guess i was the most happy person for keyur after his family members but how beautiful it would have been had i been also placed,,,,,,we both would have made the planet earth dance on our heads tonight then.....but thanx to ma programming skills that was not to be.

slowly d joy started disappearing n ma confidence was heading towards a new low,,,

i started getting dis feeling that m neva gonna do justice to ma parent's money and love,,,,

i was longing to know how does it feel to live that moment,,,that moment when u call up ur parents n tell them that u have been placed.

everything started looking messy,,,,d depression i was in was getting deeper n transpiring into an abyss,,,,i could barely hold on anymore and i dunno y but out of nothing i called up ma ex-gf.

i was also forced to think wat do i want from ma career,,,,is it a placement offer or iz it cracking the CAT,,,,i dunno,,,,,i had planned to go for a job if i dint get a 90 %tile or more,,,,but den wot if i dint get a 90 %tile n dint get a placement offer also????,,,,,i would be good worth nothing den,,,so dat means i need to have a placement offer in ma file as a fall back option in case i dont manage to crack the CAT,,,,,but then if i wish to get placed then i will have to devote all of ma time for the next 6 months learning programming skills,,,n if m gonna hone ma programming skills for the next 6 odd months den how about ma CAT aspirations,wat happens to ma dreams of studying in a top notch B-School of india,,boy its all coming apart,,,,,its a catch 22 situation,,its one of d worst dilemmas i have eva confronted in 20 years...believe me it feels real ugly to live dis moment.

i have neva been in more of a state of confusion,,turmoil,,n,,despair in ma lyf,,,,dis has made me question all ma motives,,,,n me as a person,,,,i hate how i have become a prisoner of studies,,ma ambitions n ma career,,,,,i juz hope i can climb out of dis deep dark tunnel into the distant light in the next little while. It's kind of dim and sad in here.

But in the meanwhile am more than happy for ma roomie!!!!!

Ma first Blog!!!

Its 8:05 pm on the 18th day of the 4th month of the year 2009 A.D.......n here i m keying in the first first blog of ma life,,,as am punching ma keyboard m thinking how long n more importantly how often m i gonna keep hitting this blogspot,,,,,till the day i become a grandpa??? or till the day i get married so dat i shall be showing ma gal ma exquisite collection of blogs,,,,or till the last day of ma student life???..........welllll i know u r not a crystal gazer,,,so let it be...!!!!

a couple of days back i read some real great blogs,,,i heard that a CAT aspirant had mentioned in his profile  for an IIM interview dat he maintained a blog,,,nd dats exactly wat prompted me to start a blog of mine hehe.....atleast then i will have something to write in ma profile cum cv cum resume (that i maintain a blog).....actuallyyy i was a bit obsessed wid reading other's blogs all dese days n den suddenlyy ma brain bulbs glowed,,,,,y shudn't i start a blog of mine........n here i m........dats d story behind me being here....